Pee Funnel
Fellow squatters…who wants to pee standing up?? Or at least squat without our cheeks blowing in the wind??? Show of hands please!!! Well, my journeys within nomadic life, van life and as a bike camping fanatic, has made me an expert on some things that I NEVER thought I would be. A pee funnel is one of them. Back in 2018 I wrote a blog bout this journey.
2018
I’m an avid night peeer. Getting up at least 2-3, sometimes 4, times in one night. In the van, this means waking the dog, leashing the dog, dragging the dog reluctantly outta a warm bed, grab a flashlight, and venture in the cold dark night, with dog, just to take a piss. Then, once back to sleep, wake to do it all over again and then again…in one night! No WAY! What a pain! So I needed to find a solution.
After some research I thought I found it: The Shewee. A pee funnel made specifically for a woman on the go and in the outdoors. I bought the extreme, which breaks down and comes with its own carrying case. I was now able to pee in a jug at night without waking the dog or leaving the safety of my van. I though the Shewee would be a game changer.
As night fell, I eagerly awaited the urge to arrive. Upon arrival, I got my first Shewee opportunity. I pulled the pink pretty from its case, attached the tube to the trough (?). I have no idea if that’s what it’s call but I’m a Nebraska girl so I’m rolling with it. The “trough” is the part that you press your lips up to and let the pee flow and is attached to a tube about 3 or so inches long.
As I let it flow, the trough started to funnel the pee into the empty jug I held below. But after a moment the small trough began to fill. Then if filled a bit more…then some more…more…and MORE…til I was sheweeing all over myself!
Annoyed, and covered in piss, I stopped peeing to let the trough empty. This took a while. Once empty, I attempted to pee again. But unfortunately, I sheweed myself, again.
Thinking there might be user error, I tried the Shewee one last time but after my third golden shower…in the middle of the night…and on my bed…I packed it up and put it away never to touch it again. It was an epic fail!
Bigger is NOT Always Better
Telling another road life friend about my Shewee failures, she suggested that I buy a $.99 funnel from the hardware store. That’s what she uses. Perusing the aisles of a hardware store I found a large, wide mouthed funnel, large enough to funnel a great lakes worth of pee.
That night I was eager to try out my new big ass funnel. When it was time, I grabbed it and OUCH, wtf! The plastic was so hard and wide that my inner thighs chafed as I squeezed it between my legs. Getting comfortable, I let my pee flow into the funnels ginormous trough. As I flowed, the pee bottle filled and I did NOT shewee myself!!
The Goldie Locks Pee Funnel
A few months later, I was in Pittsburgh when my van battery died. After a jump from a friend’s car I went to the auto shop. As the workers changed out my battery I spent my time looking for useless items that I could not live without. Then, it happened! I saw it….there she was, a long neck multi purpose funnel! She was long, narrow, and her trough had a lip. It was as if she was made just for me.
(side note, I now know how to change out a car/van battery. One of the many van life lessons.)
After splurging $2.95, I waited patiently through my day until night. She was getting ready to make her big debut as I jumped at the first call of nature. Setting up the pee jug, I grabbed my new beauty pressing my lips to hers…it was a perfect fit. As I let it flow, she flowed. *Prrffftttsshh* Opps….I giggled at the unexpected release of flatulence and got back to the flow of things. There was no chafing of the thighs, no overflow, and I was totally relaxed. It had happened, I had found MY pee funnel.
2023
Things have changed so much since 2018! Those of us who need to squat now have options. Thanks to companies like SheFly Apparel, a company that makes pants with a zipper that’s ingenious!!! The pants zip from front to the rear!! I haven’t tried these pants, yet, but can’t wait to! Why did it take so long for someone to create such a great solution?? (I know the answer…but that’s a post for another time!!!)
Even Shewee changed their design and guess what? The new design is a copy of the multi purpose pee funnel I carry with me (actually, I have 3 now!).
I know this post has a strong harlequin feel to it but in all seriousness, finding what fits you in the outdoors can be hard, especially if you aren’t a white cis male. But thank goodness for progression. And this progression is hope. It’s actually more than hope, it shows that there is a shift, a change in who “society” thinks of when it comes to nature, adventure, and the outdoors.