Well I made it. I’m finally over the hill. Now how does one find freedom in turning 40? Is there really freedom in getting older? Surprisingly, yes. And I’m not just saying that because I’m a 40-year-old nomad. I may have the freedom to go where I want, when I want, how I want but so do you. Actually, that’s a big lie. Just because I’m a nomad doesn’t mean I get to go and do whatever, whenever I want. I have limitations and responsibilities just like everyone else, thank goodness. What I keep free is my mindset. I go with the flow and keep open to the opportunities that life shows. But the year leading up to turning 40, I began to struggle to keep with the flow and this open mindset. Life was becoming a non-stop roller coaster of events and by the end of the summer I was left a shell of a person and I felt as if I had lost all my freedoms.
Finishing Tour Aotearoa brought great accomplishments and I faced so many fears. But once finished I longed for more adventure. I felt this amazing fire burning inside was now a full on blaze. I was excited to bring my new husband along on these ventures. But after our fairy tale wedding in New Zealand everything changed, becoming toxic. I found myself in a place I had never thought a strong, free, independent woman, as myself, would ever be.
In June my Granddad fell ill. I was extremely close to him and his end of life gave many gifts as well as heartache. I carry a pocketknife because of him. I have a sweet tooth just like him and step on frogs almost like him!!! I was honored to be a pallbearer at his funeral and was the first female pallbearer the church had ever had. I still miss the hell out of him everyday.
A month later, after 3 months of marriage and the loss of my Granddad, I left my husband and filled for divorce.
“Whenever we tell our truth and break our silence, we become like candles that light the way for others out of their darkness until they find the courage to speak up themselves.”
– Zainab Salbi “Freedom is an inside job”
I’m still finding my way in the dark and gaining my courage to speak up, myself. Each day I find hope within my voice. And even with writing this post to you all I am beginning to see more light on my way.
Stepping into 40, I was hoping to be on some grand adventure around the world, taking on an impossible task. In a way, that’s exactly where I find myself. I am on a grand adventure, finding my way to the new me. I have regained strength and MAD insights. I have also faced the impossible and will continue to do so. Guess that’s what I do. Guess that’s what we all do, one way or another.
I’m grateful to my family, friends and to you all. I had felt a bit embarrassed, scared and a LOT of self judgement in the last few months. Thoughts of you and our friendship has helped to give me strength and courage, once again. Thank you.
By letting go of that evil self judgement, I now am able to focus on a LOT of self-care. I’m excited to say, I feel myself coming back. And even a bit stronger than before!!! For the next few months I’m staying in my hometown to focus on my skills as a content creator and getting back to work. After all this I have realized the importance of continuing to share the lessons I’ve learned in the hopes to bring empowerment and drive to others. The importance of being of service by helping to light the way for others.
Today, on my 40th birthday, I open my arms wide to the universe with a deep gratitude in all that life has given me, good and bad. And today I embrace my newfound freedom while proudly walking over the hill and into the unknown.
“Where true Love burns Desire is Love's pure flame;It is the reflex of our earthly frame,
That takes its meaning from the nobler part,
And but translates the language of the heart.”